He Likes Me, He Like Me Not...

Well, I did it!  I got my guts back, hung out with my Crush and then eventually confessed how I felt about him.  It turns out he's not on the same page.  The one-on-one time, jokes and intimate convo apparently means that he's NOT interested.  This leaves one feeling a little confused and dis-heartened, but I will chop it up to his response of "I'm not really ready to get into something right now, but I think you're all kinds of awesome."  Ummm...thank you, I guess? 

I feel like the last year has left me playing with flower petals.  I've been in some situations where all signs point to he likes me, but some actions, or lack there of, have pointed to he likes me not.  Generally, these are the guys that you go on a few dates with and you just aren't feeling it.  My Crush wasn't ready for anything new.  Alright, I can accept that.  But what about the other guys that I thought would have been something more in my life.

Let's take a look at Big Bear.  He and I have had a flirtatious friendship for many years.  We had discussed in the past about hanging out and have shared that we would like to get to know one another better.  Nothing had ever gone further than that.  So, the day that Big Bear and I do share an amazing kiss, it was a long time coming.  With that came the new knowledge that he and his on again/off again girlfriend were apparently on.  Let's go back to being confused for a minute.  With time on our side in the past, why does one wait to act when the timing isn't right? 

On to The Comedian.  Again, he and I have had a flirtatious friendship for nearly a decade.  We would see each other everyday, had mutual friends and clearly were interested in having more with one another.  We were always in the predicament of being in relationships when the other was not.  He was the one that broke that cycle and told me how he felt about the idea of us together.  At the time, I had been in a relationship with someone very dear to me, Jack.  Time passed, The Comedian and I saw each other less, but the feelings were still there and still mutual.  Years later, I was the one that said that we need to do this; let's spend some time together and catch up.  Now, with both of us single and still entertaining the idea of a reunion, The Comedian is the one that isn't following through on the idea.  He's been honest to say that he's nervous about something either happening or not happening between us.  I admit, both options are a little frightening, but we won't know unless we try.  Here's my confusion again; is it better to have loved than not to have loved at all?

So, here I am, on the dating scene and confused more than ever.  I'll have to take my own advice; be open, put myself out there and strike when the opportunity is right.  I may also have to buy a daisy every week to find out if the new guy likes me, or likes me not.  At least my odds are pretty good.

Till next time

School Girl Crush

A pic of me, when boys still
 had cooties and life was easy.

Do you remember the feeling you would get when a cute boy would say your name? Or the butterflies that would flutter when he would hold your hand? Or better yet, your racing heart beat when the two of you would slow dance?

Those were the days of Saturday morning cartoons, Girl Talk and school girl crushes. Now in my 20's and much more realistic with my day dreaming, I find that the fluttery butterfly feeling doesn't fly. It's rare that a guy makes me feel that way anymore. I have been on a lot of dates as of late but with no one that really stands out. Everyone has just been a quick blip on the map of my dating scene.

But apparently, I have regressed and travelled back in time. I have a crush. A real crush. One that makes me blush and blurt out randomness in place of sentences. One that makes me feel young and giddy. Unfortunately, one that also makes me clam up in fear. I lose all of my guts and glory in his presence! I feel like I need to lay low and blend into the background instead of being awesome and straight forward me. I become the self conscious school girl all over again. Was dealing with crushes always this tricky? 

Well, one man isn't going to make me shake in my boots. I'm strong! I'm going to pull up my boot straps, put on some lipstick and stand tall! I've got this. Now, to just get my sweaty palms and erratic breathing under control and I'll be just fine.

Until next time

Blindfolded

I'm sad to say that I've been known to hold a few stereotypes over the heads of others. As much as I despise that I have done this in the past, it's just one more crummy quality that I share with society. Some stereotypes that we continue to keep strong were started years ago and in most cases, I have no idea why. For my own personal demons, it's my past experiences that have kept me blindfolded, letting certain stereotypes stay in the forefront of my mind.

For those of you that know me, you know that I am bi-racial. My mother is white and my father is black. They had a very tumultuous relationship and my father was not the best of husbands. I held onto a lot of hurt following my parents divorce and throughout the years, I have had a difficult time re-connecting with my father's side of the family. Also, it didn't help that I grew up in a very tiny town, where variety wasn't the spice of life. We were one of the only families that were of another ethnicity. I didn't have the opportunity to grow up around my family's Caribbean culture and find that even now I am struggling to fit in.

It's been hard for me to let go of some of my poor opinions of my father. I love my father but he has never been a trustworthy man in my eyes. I find that I've been wearing a heavy coat of armour because of that. I've always had a difficult time trusting and respecting a man that resembles my father at all. I realize that I've categorized black men in general. Did I think it would be easier to stay blindfolded all my life? To ignore any man that fell into that category? Have I been selling everyone short?

In some cases, I think it was easier for me to ignore. To the gents out there that kiss your teeth; I don't feel that that's a proper greeting. For those of you that think your jeans should sit at your knees; I think you look ridiculous. These things just don't float my boat and have added fuel to the fire. I don't think that will ever change.

But, it turns out that I let my guard down and someone slipped through a crack in my armour. This Jouster made me open my eyes just a little wider. Wide enough for me to realize how closed off I had been. Wide enough for me to realize that I can't judge a book by it's cover. Thank you Jouster. Not just for the nice dinner but for the long deserved kick to my ass. I hope you continue to prove me wrong.

Until next time

What ever happened to You Know Who?

Just last week my girlfriends and I went out and happened to run into one of my friends old flames. We were in shock. Not from the awkward conversation but by his transformation. The once super cute guy had lost his fit body, shaved his head and grew a handle bar mustache. Needless to say, he was a little underwhelming for us. Seeing him channel a tinier version of Hulk Hogan got me thinking about my own exes. What ever happened to them?

So, I had to search and in some cases thank goodness for social media. My serious past partners were easier to find; married with children, long term girlfriend with children, long term girlfriend, and still not ready for commitment. Somehow my earlier partners had all settled down and were making mini versions of themselves. Over the years, my partners apparently became a little unstable, insecure and just plain wacky :S Unfortunately, it turns out that I can put most of my relationships in the latter categories!

What if I had been the girl who had always dreamed of the perfect husband and 2.5 children? Would I still be living in a small town? Would I have settled down by now, driving a mini van and picking out a collie dog? Would I be happy?

Well, if I had, I would have missed one hell of a good run! I have no regrets, just learning experiences. My experiences have helped me grow and they continue to make me stronger. I'm confident in myself and I will just have to wait it out until I can find someone that channels my own Mr. Right.

Till next time

Hiatus

Welcome back to Me! It turns out I've been on a hiatus. Not somewhere getting zen with nature or a hiatus from being single. Just a hiatus from my blog. The big year I had envisioned for myself has had its ups and downs. I've decided to get back on track. Call it Fall Cleaning if you will! I'm going to tackle my blog and everything else on my to do list.

No more pushing and pulling myself to fit the needs of others. Nope. This is my time. For my goals and dreams. My own adventures. It's time to get a little selfish and be a lot of Single in the City!

~~For all of my past, present and future gents:

If you feel that you bear any resemblance to the guys in my blog, it's because you do! Thanks for sparking my interest and my creativity.~~

Till next time

Always the Bridesmaid, Never the Bride

I’ve always been dead set on the idea of not walking down the aisle.  I always thought I would be happy just having someone that I really connect with in my life.  I don’t really need the expense of a wedding and a piece of paper to say “I Love You”.  I guess that stems from the lack of cute old couples in my life, but that’s how I’ve always felt; that I’m just not the marrying kind. 

Ahh, but something happened last week that warmed the cockles of my marriageless heart.  A dear friend asked me to be one of her bridesmaids.  When she popped the question to me I balled like an overgrown baby.  These were not sobs and wails of wedding fear and revulsion, but tears of joy.  Out of all honesty, I am truly honoured and excited to support her along the way.  So, when she asked if I would attend a bridal show with her over the weekend, I was more than ecstatic to join in on the experience.  But, during the days leading up to the show, I was wondering to myself if I was going to catch the Spring Fever, just by attending!  Was I going to be one of the girls, like all of my friends growing up that envisioned her wedding day, a prince charming and a white picket fence?

Well, the answer is NO.  I went, I saw and I conquered.  I think I was a pretty supportive bridesmaid, got my makeup done and ate some cupcakes.  It was overall a great day!  I was more excited about the idea of my friend’s wedding and looking hot in my future bridesmaid’s dress, that sitting back and daydreaming about my own fantasy wedding didn’t really cross my mind.  I had one moment of thinking about my own wedding day when I saw a great vintage inspired gown, but I think that that just has to do with my love of vintage couture.

I may not be the marrying kind but if it ever comes up in the future or yours for that matter, I’ll be full of ideas and wedding advice.  That’s what happens when you’re always a bridesmaid and never a bride.  I think I can handle it.

Till next time

Mr. Perfect

  The more we grow as individuals, the more we realize what is important to us in a potential partner and for us in a relationship.  I’ve heard over the years and have experienced for myself that having a ‘list’ can be beneficial.  Figuring out what is a must helps for us to narrow down our Mr. Perfect.

  When I was 19, it was a must for my potential partner to make me laugh, have a car, like going to concerts and to be able to stay up all night to bar hop and dance.  That’s what I remember.  Things have defiantly changed!  A partner with humour is still a must on my list.  A love for music is very important.  A partner with a car, isn't really so necessary.  And well, I no longer bar hop.   

  It’s important to look at where you are now in your life and who will compliment and grow with you.  Everyone should have a list.  I’m not talking about writing out a list of 50 must haves including eye colour, astrological signs and the status of ones abdominals, but a list of characteristics that are important to you.  Which are the characteristics that are definite have not’s?  Which ones are must haves?  And which characteristics would be a nice bonus?

  During my dating experiences, I’ve learned about which traits and characteristics are my must haves and have not’s.  For me, my list is as follows;

Have Not’s:  I can’t stand someone who; is rude, doesn’t take responsibility for his own actions, is petty, self-centered, undependable and always thinks of himself as the victim. 

Must Haves:  I need someone who; will make me laugh, that will communicate, that is willing to take a risk and try something new, has a passion, that is confident and driven and that has patience when life gives us ups and downs.

Bonuses:  I’d be even happier if; he can cook (because I can’t!), enjoys live music, is interested in travelling together, loves animals and has a smile that’s contagious.

  When you write out your own list, it helps you to realize what is actually important for you in a potential partner.  Your list will always be changing as you continue to grow as an individual, but you’ll see that some of the characteristics on your list will never waiver.  Look for someone that carries those traits.  He’ll be the one that you’ve been looking for.  Hopefully he’ll be your Mr. Perfect.  Happy hunting ladies!

Till next time