He Likes Me, He Like Me Not...

Well, I did it!  I got my guts back, hung out with my Crush and then eventually confessed how I felt about him.  It turns out he's not on the same page.  The one-on-one time, jokes and intimate convo apparently means that he's NOT interested.  This leaves one feeling a little confused and dis-heartened, but I will chop it up to his response of "I'm not really ready to get into something right now, but I think you're all kinds of awesome."  Ummm...thank you, I guess? 

I feel like the last year has left me playing with flower petals.  I've been in some situations where all signs point to he likes me, but some actions, or lack there of, have pointed to he likes me not.  Generally, these are the guys that you go on a few dates with and you just aren't feeling it.  My Crush wasn't ready for anything new.  Alright, I can accept that.  But what about the other guys that I thought would have been something more in my life.

Let's take a look at Big Bear.  He and I have had a flirtatious friendship for many years.  We had discussed in the past about hanging out and have shared that we would like to get to know one another better.  Nothing had ever gone further than that.  So, the day that Big Bear and I do share an amazing kiss, it was a long time coming.  With that came the new knowledge that he and his on again/off again girlfriend were apparently on.  Let's go back to being confused for a minute.  With time on our side in the past, why does one wait to act when the timing isn't right? 

On to The Comedian.  Again, he and I have had a flirtatious friendship for nearly a decade.  We would see each other everyday, had mutual friends and clearly were interested in having more with one another.  We were always in the predicament of being in relationships when the other was not.  He was the one that broke that cycle and told me how he felt about the idea of us together.  At the time, I had been in a relationship with someone very dear to me, Jack.  Time passed, The Comedian and I saw each other less, but the feelings were still there and still mutual.  Years later, I was the one that said that we need to do this; let's spend some time together and catch up.  Now, with both of us single and still entertaining the idea of a reunion, The Comedian is the one that isn't following through on the idea.  He's been honest to say that he's nervous about something either happening or not happening between us.  I admit, both options are a little frightening, but we won't know unless we try.  Here's my confusion again; is it better to have loved than not to have loved at all?

So, here I am, on the dating scene and confused more than ever.  I'll have to take my own advice; be open, put myself out there and strike when the opportunity is right.  I may also have to buy a daisy every week to find out if the new guy likes me, or likes me not.  At least my odds are pretty good.

Till next time

School Girl Crush

A pic of me, when boys still
 had cooties and life was easy.

Do you remember the feeling you would get when a cute boy would say your name? Or the butterflies that would flutter when he would hold your hand? Or better yet, your racing heart beat when the two of you would slow dance?

Those were the days of Saturday morning cartoons, Girl Talk and school girl crushes. Now in my 20's and much more realistic with my day dreaming, I find that the fluttery butterfly feeling doesn't fly. It's rare that a guy makes me feel that way anymore. I have been on a lot of dates as of late but with no one that really stands out. Everyone has just been a quick blip on the map of my dating scene.

But apparently, I have regressed and travelled back in time. I have a crush. A real crush. One that makes me blush and blurt out randomness in place of sentences. One that makes me feel young and giddy. Unfortunately, one that also makes me clam up in fear. I lose all of my guts and glory in his presence! I feel like I need to lay low and blend into the background instead of being awesome and straight forward me. I become the self conscious school girl all over again. Was dealing with crushes always this tricky? 

Well, one man isn't going to make me shake in my boots. I'm strong! I'm going to pull up my boot straps, put on some lipstick and stand tall! I've got this. Now, to just get my sweaty palms and erratic breathing under control and I'll be just fine.

Until next time

Blindfolded

I'm sad to say that I've been known to hold a few stereotypes over the heads of others. As much as I despise that I have done this in the past, it's just one more crummy quality that I share with society. Some stereotypes that we continue to keep strong were started years ago and in most cases, I have no idea why. For my own personal demons, it's my past experiences that have kept me blindfolded, letting certain stereotypes stay in the forefront of my mind.

For those of you that know me, you know that I am bi-racial. My mother is white and my father is black. They had a very tumultuous relationship and my father was not the best of husbands. I held onto a lot of hurt following my parents divorce and throughout the years, I have had a difficult time re-connecting with my father's side of the family. Also, it didn't help that I grew up in a very tiny town, where variety wasn't the spice of life. We were one of the only families that were of another ethnicity. I didn't have the opportunity to grow up around my family's Caribbean culture and find that even now I am struggling to fit in.

It's been hard for me to let go of some of my poor opinions of my father. I love my father but he has never been a trustworthy man in my eyes. I find that I've been wearing a heavy coat of armour because of that. I've always had a difficult time trusting and respecting a man that resembles my father at all. I realize that I've categorized black men in general. Did I think it would be easier to stay blindfolded all my life? To ignore any man that fell into that category? Have I been selling everyone short?

In some cases, I think it was easier for me to ignore. To the gents out there that kiss your teeth; I don't feel that that's a proper greeting. For those of you that think your jeans should sit at your knees; I think you look ridiculous. These things just don't float my boat and have added fuel to the fire. I don't think that will ever change.

But, it turns out that I let my guard down and someone slipped through a crack in my armour. This Jouster made me open my eyes just a little wider. Wide enough for me to realize how closed off I had been. Wide enough for me to realize that I can't judge a book by it's cover. Thank you Jouster. Not just for the nice dinner but for the long deserved kick to my ass. I hope you continue to prove me wrong.

Until next time

Welcome to MY dating world!

If you're young and single, you know what it's like to date in the city.  I love Toronto.  I've called Toronto my home for nearly a decade.  I love that there's so much to do in every pocket of the city.  I've moved a total of 7 times while living here and every neighbourhood has something new to offer.  It's hard to pinpoint a favourite.  I feel the same way about the men that have been in my life.

As I write this, I realize that the prowl that singledom brings is just like searching for a new apartment.  Once your bored or you need a new view from your bedroom window, you start the search again.  You feel like you need something shiny and new or at least a fresh coat of paint.  I've had some interesting years on the dating scene.  Some being filled with little flings and others being in committed long term relationships.  None of them really filled what I thought my needs were.  They each had something to offer, but not quite enough of what I really needed at the time. 

It isn't until you can narrow down your search and pinpoint the neighbourhood of your dreams. that you can decide where you really want to put down roots.  Over time, our lists get longer and our needs are more specific.  That right there is the problem.  It's way too hard to find that perfect man.  He's not posted on ViewIt, like the apartment down the street. 

Till next time